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Monday, June 15, 2009
What was THAT about?!
When I was in high school, I wrote a lot of poetry. I sort of let it fall by the wayside once I graduated, partly because I no longer had to entertain myself in boring classes! One thing that always attracted me to poetry, as opposed to prose, is that it's so much easier to write something and leave it open to interpretation. In that way, it doesn't seem to matter as much if I'm not quite sure what it is I'm trying to say, because it can come across as intentional, rather than I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. Which is why my last post is as indecipherable as it is; I don't have the ability to verbalize this! But I am going to attempt to translate it into prose anyway.
There were really two sides to this...
1) Before I say anything, I tend to think about how I would react or what I would say if someone else were to say something like that to me. If I come up blank, I just don't say it. That, coupled with the fact that I feel like I am letting people down if everything in my life is not smooth sailing every second of every day, makes me clam up if I'm having a hard time. It isn't at all helpful, and it makes it extremely difficult to figure out what "me" means, because I feel like it's necessary for me to hide an essential part of myself in order to avoid disappointing / alienating people.
2) I am Jewish. I am religious. I am also unapologetic about this. Yes, I was born into it, and in that I had no choice. But parents bring up their children in one way, and at some point, the children are old enough to make their own decisions about how to live life. So while it came hand-in-hand with birth for me, this is now something I choose to believe. Maybe not quite the way my parents would like, but it's not about them; my religion / spirituality is my own business. And for that reason, I find it offensive that I can be attacked using that as a basis. Yes, I have had my own struggles in this area; but it was always more about what I am not, rather than a condemnation of what I am. The very people who were supposed to be helping me figure out my life sometimes did more harm than good; I had a treatment provider suggest that I refrain from prayer, as it is a manifestation of OCD. (Which, by the way, I do not have.) A nutritionist once told me, when I expressed regret that the kosher certification on a certain product had changed, thus rendering it unacceptable for me, that I should keep it at the office and only eat it at work. It doesn't matter whether my parents saw me eating it; it had nothing to do with them! These, to me, were just implications that my personal belief system is flawed and something that needs to be hidden.
I am not stupid. I am well aware of the fact that the world is not a utopia. Because I was never willing to accept the cookie-cutter life that would have been expected of me, I did go "out in the world" on a forage of sorts. It is one thing to know that biases exist. It is another thing entirely to consistently face them. All I have to say to that is this: If you are so insecure with yourself and your own beliefs, or lack thereof, that you need to attack someone else's, then I am sorry for you.
On Saturday night, I used the recipe posted on The Novice Berker's blog and made S'mores Brownies for my brother. (And was also treated to a fight with my mom, but I will spare you the details.) I topped it with more marshmallows than the recipe called for, which I probably shouldn't have done, since they puffed up to epic proportions! Oh, well... it made the house smell lovely, and they were quite messy to cut, but he doesn't seem to mind in the slightest.
On Sunday, I had to make an emergency pet shop run due to the sudden death of my algae eater... Filet o' Fish, anyone?! I didn't want to get a plecostomus, because they get so hideously big and ugly... I got this little algae eater instead. Sorry for the bad picture, it's kind of hard to worry about focus and clarity when you're stopped at a red light!
Just one food photo of BBQ baked tofu. There is the distinct possibility that I may have gotten involved in something else and left this in the oven for far too long; it's good that I like things overcooked!!
Oh, and I was in a supermarket and wanted to buy a kabocha squash, but they only had very big ones... so I got this cute little butternut squash instead. (I dread cutting into it! Electric knife, here I come.) Any ideas what to do with it? The faster and simpler, the better!
BTW: I am moving to Wordpress... I changed my domain name, too. Blue Eyed Heart... don't ask!
There were really two sides to this...
1) Before I say anything, I tend to think about how I would react or what I would say if someone else were to say something like that to me. If I come up blank, I just don't say it. That, coupled with the fact that I feel like I am letting people down if everything in my life is not smooth sailing every second of every day, makes me clam up if I'm having a hard time. It isn't at all helpful, and it makes it extremely difficult to figure out what "me" means, because I feel like it's necessary for me to hide an essential part of myself in order to avoid disappointing / alienating people.
2) I am Jewish. I am religious. I am also unapologetic about this. Yes, I was born into it, and in that I had no choice. But parents bring up their children in one way, and at some point, the children are old enough to make their own decisions about how to live life. So while it came hand-in-hand with birth for me, this is now something I choose to believe. Maybe not quite the way my parents would like, but it's not about them; my religion / spirituality is my own business. And for that reason, I find it offensive that I can be attacked using that as a basis. Yes, I have had my own struggles in this area; but it was always more about what I am not, rather than a condemnation of what I am. The very people who were supposed to be helping me figure out my life sometimes did more harm than good; I had a treatment provider suggest that I refrain from prayer, as it is a manifestation of OCD. (Which, by the way, I do not have.) A nutritionist once told me, when I expressed regret that the kosher certification on a certain product had changed, thus rendering it unacceptable for me, that I should keep it at the office and only eat it at work. It doesn't matter whether my parents saw me eating it; it had nothing to do with them! These, to me, were just implications that my personal belief system is flawed and something that needs to be hidden.
I am not stupid. I am well aware of the fact that the world is not a utopia. Because I was never willing to accept the cookie-cutter life that would have been expected of me, I did go "out in the world" on a forage of sorts. It is one thing to know that biases exist. It is another thing entirely to consistently face them. All I have to say to that is this: If you are so insecure with yourself and your own beliefs, or lack thereof, that you need to attack someone else's, then I am sorry for you.
On Saturday night, I used the recipe posted on The Novice Berker's blog and made S'mores Brownies for my brother. (And was also treated to a fight with my mom, but I will spare you the details.) I topped it with more marshmallows than the recipe called for, which I probably shouldn't have done, since they puffed up to epic proportions! Oh, well... it made the house smell lovely, and they were quite messy to cut, but he doesn't seem to mind in the slightest.
On Sunday, I had to make an emergency pet shop run due to the sudden death of my algae eater... Filet o' Fish, anyone?! I didn't want to get a plecostomus, because they get so hideously big and ugly... I got this little algae eater instead. Sorry for the bad picture, it's kind of hard to worry about focus and clarity when you're stopped at a red light!
Just one food photo of BBQ baked tofu. There is the distinct possibility that I may have gotten involved in something else and left this in the oven for far too long; it's good that I like things overcooked!!
Oh, and I was in a supermarket and wanted to buy a kabocha squash, but they only had very big ones... so I got this cute little butternut squash instead. (I dread cutting into it! Electric knife, here I come.) Any ideas what to do with it? The faster and simpler, the better!
BTW: I am moving to Wordpress... I changed my domain name, too. Blue Eyed Heart... don't ask!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
When who you are is not enough
You find out the hard way when life gets rough
That you're alone when you face that wall
That nobody will catch you when you fall
Whether because of a society that built bias and hate
Or a fluke of coincidence that we tend to call Fate
Which turned an anathema out of your soul
That will always prevent you from becoming whole
Because if anyone ever happens to catch a glance
They'll do the familiar window-dressing dance
Where they try to pretend that they truly care
And then you discover nothing is really there
But the voices left in your mind like a lingering breeze
The evil cackle of a laugh, an incessant tease
Alluring and repulsive at the same time
Because you know you can never think of anything as "mine"
Since whenever you do that and you dare to hope
It drops out of your life with a whisper of smoke
And you find yourself coughing and gasping to breathe
Feeling an idiot because you should have known it would leave
And you never seem to learn the lesson that nothing is real
Or that you cannot rely on the things you think you feel
If it's never reciprocated or acknowledged as being true
You should learn to ignore it the way the world seems to do.
It's a bad thing to not know whither you stride
It's a bad thing to be conflicted inside.
It's a bad thing to not know which way to go
It's a bad thing to be unhappy and low.
It's good for you to be happy and upbeat
It doesn't matter if you drag your inward feet
So long as you can put on that smiling cheery face
Everything is aligned then in its proper place.
I've polished my mask to a shiny veneer
Perfumed it so that only I can smell my fear
And yet even that doesn't begin to forgive
The unchosen choices of how I must live.
When life as it is feels useless and worn
Though I have no control over who and how I was born
It's a pointless endeavor to enter the race
Just a tactical maneuver aimed at saving face
But none of that will change that it's not enough to be
This forsaken entity I refer to as "me."
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sun??
Don't be too shocked, now, but this morning dawned all wet and rainy and gross... yet again. Of course, this called for some oatmeal...
Lemon blueberry oatmeal, to be exact. I seem to come up with somewhat odd combinations.
Fridays are always i-n-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-b-l-e in terms of the workday... it just seems to go on and on and on forever!! But when I finally left today, I was greeted by this strange, unfamiliar yellow thing in a sky that was an unrecognizable color:
You have to understand that for all intents and purposes, I work in a cave. There are no windows in my office. So I really had no idea that the sun had decided to come out... it was actually quite hot, but I wasn't about to complain about that! I'd rather squint because I forgot my sunglasses than need the umbrella I had with me. I don't think we're done with the rain yet for today, though... grrrrr!
Now this is more "season appropriate"!
Puffed kamut, Fiber One, vanilla yogurt, and blackberries... but as I started to mix it up I realized that I had forgotten a most essential ingredient...
CINNAMON!! The nerve of me.
I wanted to try putting up a video post, so this is just a completely random video of the exciting goings-on in my kitchen... I was actually expecting the smoke alarm to go off, because it nearly always does when I do this, but it didn't. Sorry it's sideways; I'm an idiot and can't figure out how to rotate it. Next time I will just hold the camera horizontally!
As for this restaurant business... we were going to go on Sunday, but apparently my brother has another engagement, so it's been pushed off to Monday. It's silly of me to stress out over this now, I know... but of course, I am sort of doing that anyway!! I am going to be the one to choose the restaurant, as always. I suppose the logic behind this is that they want me to choose a place where I am going to eat, so I can understand that. But really... why can't someone else choose it if I reserve the right to veto power??
In any case, I am probably going to go with the same restaurant I chose the last couple of times... it's a health food restaurant, so there are things on the menu with which I am theoretically comfortable. However, life does not exist in theory! And while I was going through the menu (which I ought to know by heart by now, though I guess I have a somewhat ... selective memory), I got to wondering why it is that I have such an aversion to ordering "finger food" ... or even having it at home. That's partly why I don't really like sandwiches / wraps; for some reason, I much prefer eating with a knife and fork. Is this incredibly odd??
Ending posts is always weird... I feel like I just cut off in the middle of nowhere. It's the literary equivalent of a vehicular short stop. Very eloquent. (NOT.) Anyway, there are magazines and books waiting for me this weekend, and dork that I am, I am very much looking forward to it! Hope you all have a great weekend...
Lemon blueberry oatmeal, to be exact. I seem to come up with somewhat odd combinations.
Fridays are always i-n-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-b-l-e in terms of the workday... it just seems to go on and on and on forever!! But when I finally left today, I was greeted by this strange, unfamiliar yellow thing in a sky that was an unrecognizable color:
You have to understand that for all intents and purposes, I work in a cave. There are no windows in my office. So I really had no idea that the sun had decided to come out... it was actually quite hot, but I wasn't about to complain about that! I'd rather squint because I forgot my sunglasses than need the umbrella I had with me. I don't think we're done with the rain yet for today, though... grrrrr!
Now this is more "season appropriate"!
Puffed kamut, Fiber One, vanilla yogurt, and blackberries... but as I started to mix it up I realized that I had forgotten a most essential ingredient...
CINNAMON!! The nerve of me.
I wanted to try putting up a video post, so this is just a completely random video of the exciting goings-on in my kitchen... I was actually expecting the smoke alarm to go off, because it nearly always does when I do this, but it didn't. Sorry it's sideways; I'm an idiot and can't figure out how to rotate it. Next time I will just hold the camera horizontally!
As for this restaurant business... we were going to go on Sunday, but apparently my brother has another engagement, so it's been pushed off to Monday. It's silly of me to stress out over this now, I know... but of course, I am sort of doing that anyway!! I am going to be the one to choose the restaurant, as always. I suppose the logic behind this is that they want me to choose a place where I am going to eat, so I can understand that. But really... why can't someone else choose it if I reserve the right to veto power??
In any case, I am probably going to go with the same restaurant I chose the last couple of times... it's a health food restaurant, so there are things on the menu with which I am theoretically comfortable. However, life does not exist in theory! And while I was going through the menu (which I ought to know by heart by now, though I guess I have a somewhat ... selective memory), I got to wondering why it is that I have such an aversion to ordering "finger food" ... or even having it at home. That's partly why I don't really like sandwiches / wraps; for some reason, I much prefer eating with a knife and fork. Is this incredibly odd??
Ending posts is always weird... I feel like I just cut off in the middle of nowhere. It's the literary equivalent of a vehicular short stop. Very eloquent. (NOT.) Anyway, there are magazines and books waiting for me this weekend, and dork that I am, I am very much looking forward to it! Hope you all have a great weekend...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Testing, Testing...
More of the same... a sad puddle pooling on the curb. I ought to become a meteorologist at this point -- I can tell the masses that it will rain, and I will be correct 99.9% of the time!
I'm so sick of this weather, if only because I'm sick of complaining about being sick of it. The dreariness is really getting to me. Last night's appointment wasn't really helping much in that regard; I hate the word "struggling," I hate everything about it -- its connotations, phonetically, whatever -- but that is how today felt. Total labor.
Not to sound overtly schizophrenic or anything, but the sinks at the gym are right next to the scale, and as I was washing my hands I could practically hear the Metal Monster calling my name. I was thisclose to getting on it... but I didn't. Instead I left and made my way to work. Where I faced this:
Words cannot describe how much I didn't want to drink it. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me not to. I did anyway. It felt like crap. La de da.
On to some pictures...
The wintry June weather (and a banana that was going to get too overripe if I didn't do something with it) prompted me to make a bowl of peanut butter banana oat bran. I have nothing against hot cereal, but really... I shouldn't be having to eat hot cereal in June because I'm freezing and miserable!
After my Larabar incident yesterday, I went through all the zillions of bars I have in my house to check the "best by" dates... this was the only one that was already "expired," as of last week. Which I decided was fine, considering the Larabar didn't kill me yesterday. (I did find a chocolate Jocalat in my desk drawer -- March 2008!! And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why one should not keep food at work. Or, if you must keep food there, constantly rotate your stash.) So there was a Bar of the Day...
Whole Foods' 365 Organic Honey Roasted Granola Bar... I wasn't crazy about this. Maybe it was just my general disposition today, because I had absolutely zero appetite whatsoever, and so pretty much everything would have been unpalatable to me. It wasn't awful, I didn't have to spit it out or anything; it was okay, I guess. (It also enlightened me to the fact that I apparently have a fear of peanuts, which I didn't know.) It was just strange because it was hard to identify any particular flavor... I couldn't detect any honey at all, and it tasted like peanuts only if I actually bit off a peanut. Very odd. I don't know if I'd buy this again... maybe when I'm in a more receptive spot food-wise, I'd give it another shot.
And guess what, Sophia?! Kabocha!!
I totally forgot how awesome this squash is. I microwaved it for a few minutes (because I am lazy and wanted to speed up the process), and then put it in the toaster oven on "broil" for about half an hour. No spices at all, because kabocha itself is so delicious that seasonings would just spoil it.
Moving on to other exciting happenings (ha. ha.), I have "homework" from my therapist. I am supposed to make plans with someone. Now, theoretically speaking, I have nothing against making plans with people. I just don't like to be the one who instigates the process, because it seems like whenever I do, it doesn't work out, and I wind up feeling like I have to take it personally. So.
Oh, yeah, and I also am supposed to bring a pre-ED picture to show her that I am not completely off my rocker when I say that I was definitely not thin then. Though I fail to see the relevance of this, and it is in the far distant past.
Here's a little exam question for you...
(A) Yes
(B) No
(C) Please poke me in the eyeball with a fork
I ask because my mom's birthday is next week, and we are probably going to go out to eat to "celebrate." For as long as I can remember, I have always had to be the one to choose the restaurant. I am tired of this, because inevitably someone will complain about the place I choose. As long as I know where we're going beforehand, it doesn't particularly matter... but nobody else ever wants to choose, they just like to whine about it when I choose! I'm sure I will do a fair amount of freaking out over this in the next couple of days, so I will shut up about it now.
Tomorrow is finally Friday... I know most people love Fridays, because it's the end of the week, but I think it's my least favorite day of all. The logic behind that: "Close, but no cigar!"
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Great Expirations
Some more dreary weather...
It looks like it's just a blurry picture -- and it IS blurry, since I snapped it while I was rushing down the street -- but check out the fog that greeted me this morning. Seriously... if something doesn't change soon, I am going to rip my skin off. I can't take this anymore!!
This should take care of the "expiration date" question once and for all... straight from CDC Laboratories:
I took an Apple Pie Larabar to work with me today, because I have a box of Apple Pie, Lemon Bar, and Cherry Pie bars that are "best by June 2009." When I got to work, I remembered that I had an Apple Pie Larabar stashed in my desk already... and I checked the date on that one, and it was May. Just a few weeks, right? No big deal. So I decided to eat that one instead. But guess what I didn't realize immediately, in my brilliance? ... It was May 2008!! That is over a year ago! Obviously, it didn't kill me. It didn't taste as good -- the flavor of the spices were basically nonexistent -- and it was a darker color than a "fresh" one would have been. But that's about it. Glad to offer my Guinea Pig services!
I haven't posted "food photos" in a few days... to be honest, I've just been feeling very bored / uninspired / discouraged in that area lately. It's a bit like I'm an automaton... it's too stressful to think about it, so I am mostly sticking with the "same old same old." And to post repetitive photos would get kind of, well, old!
I guess this would be "my" version of these, which I'd always wished I could try, but now I suppose I have an adequate substitute!
I also have to give a plug here to Lawry's Garlic Salt.
I found this in our spice cabinet once, and neither I nor my mom had any idea why one of us might have bought it... but I discovered that it's fantasmical (yes, I know that's not a word, but on Blogger it becomes one) tossed with steamed broccoli. Or broccoli and cauliflower would work, too.
My nutritionist wants to know why I keep coming to see her if I "get upset with" her ... I'm not getting upset with her, I'm just upset in general... but I am just really exhausted and so that rant won't be happening right now. Yeah, I love words / writing ... but sometimes I am just wholly incapable of saying anything at all.
"Good night" will have to suffice!
It looks like it's just a blurry picture -- and it IS blurry, since I snapped it while I was rushing down the street -- but check out the fog that greeted me this morning. Seriously... if something doesn't change soon, I am going to rip my skin off. I can't take this anymore!!
This should take care of the "expiration date" question once and for all... straight from CDC Laboratories:
I took an Apple Pie Larabar to work with me today, because I have a box of Apple Pie, Lemon Bar, and Cherry Pie bars that are "best by June 2009." When I got to work, I remembered that I had an Apple Pie Larabar stashed in my desk already... and I checked the date on that one, and it was May. Just a few weeks, right? No big deal. So I decided to eat that one instead. But guess what I didn't realize immediately, in my brilliance? ... It was May 2008!! That is over a year ago! Obviously, it didn't kill me. It didn't taste as good -- the flavor of the spices were basically nonexistent -- and it was a darker color than a "fresh" one would have been. But that's about it. Glad to offer my Guinea Pig services!
I haven't posted "food photos" in a few days... to be honest, I've just been feeling very bored / uninspired / discouraged in that area lately. It's a bit like I'm an automaton... it's too stressful to think about it, so I am mostly sticking with the "same old same old." And to post repetitive photos would get kind of, well, old!
I guess this would be "my" version of these, which I'd always wished I could try, but now I suppose I have an adequate substitute!
I also have to give a plug here to Lawry's Garlic Salt.
I found this in our spice cabinet once, and neither I nor my mom had any idea why one of us might have bought it... but I discovered that it's fantasmical (yes, I know that's not a word, but on Blogger it becomes one) tossed with steamed broccoli. Or broccoli and cauliflower would work, too.
My nutritionist wants to know why I keep coming to see her if I "get upset with" her ... I'm not getting upset with her, I'm just upset in general... but I am just really exhausted and so that rant won't be happening right now. Yeah, I love words / writing ... but sometimes I am just wholly incapable of saying anything at all.
"Good night" will have to suffice!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Rain = Big Fat Pain!!!
I really, really, really, really, really hate this kind of weather. It causes me to want to crawl into bed and not eat for a week, since I feel so bloated / fat / ugly / take-your-pick-of-any-related-adjective. But I clearly didn't do that. Am I supposed to be proud? ... Because I'm not proud.
It was just one of those days, I guess. Even going swimming proved stressful; the water was frigid again, and there were so many Bobbing Ladies that I opted to just move into the next lane, but apparently people cannot grasp the concept of "three or more people in a lane must swim in a circle," because everyone kept crashing into one another. Oh, and I have the unique ability to pull muscles in my sleep, and the latest is apparently a chest muscle... hello, I just did something to my calf two days ago!! Give a girl a break. At least I finally have a new swimsuit, I guess. Got to be glad for small favors -- beggars can't be choosers, after all!
Something that Sophia said regarding the concept of inner beauty, which doesn't always match the outer appearance, had me thinking about how I view the matter. And while I may not have set out to consciously do it that way, I think my thought process was exactly the opposite of what she mentioned -- I figured that if I have no inner beauty, at least I can try for the vain version of beauty. It's odd that this topic came up now, because I was just thinking earlier today about how most people look so much better at a healthy weight; and then I started thinking about how I looked pre-ED, and the thought made me cringe, because while I am not a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination, I really do think I look better now than I did then!! Just to insert a bit of pragmatism into this, I'm sure the whole "growing out of adolescent awkwardness" might have had something to do with it. But just a little bit.
To once again avoid the sacrilege of a photo-free post... this is actually a deluge in Moscow three years ago, but it's what we had here this morning! (Okay, not quite so bad. The weather there is insane. Are these cars or boats?!)
And here is a random question of the day that has no real point: If a turtle has no shell, is it homeless or naked?
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